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I don't want your life

The only thing standing in my way right now is myself.
I just have to take more action and do it quicker.

I've been thinking about how to deal with my family.
It's not really a healthy environment for me to be around
and I dread holidays pretty much year-round.
I've talked to multiple therapists about it but the anxiety
still hasn't gone away. It wouldn't be great to stop
talking to them but I do think I'd feel a lot of freedom.
They want everyone around them to feel more stupid than them.
I guess I should just refuse to feel stupid or judged.
Even if they judge that doesn't mean it has to bother me.
They all act like they have some type of weird authority.
But they don't...
Unfortunately it's just up to me to deal with it, telling
them is just going to make them mad because of their egos.

My friends and I are working on a music video shoot.
I've got mixed feelings, because I really want it to happen
but I always act super weird when I make vide…

This world has enough hate

It's really easy to get upset when I look at events going on in the world.
Today the big news is that Trump wants to "abolish the 14th Amendment."
I have no idea if he can even legally do that with an executive order.

I like to look at trending topics on Twitter.
There's a lot of good stuff but just like all the other websites, people are so petty.
On top of that, my mood is often antagonistic towards other people. 
I really want this habit of mine to go away, because it doesn't serve me.
I just snowball into this angrier and angrier state of mind.
All the injustices against me or other people, my perceptions, how much people suck.
I could let that destroy me.

Deep down I know a couple of things...I can choose to love everyone, no matter how hard it is.
The other thing is that I'd rather love than hate.
The hatred I feel for other people becomes consuming and it's so negative.
It's funny how personally I can take it when other people are mad and act like assholes,
yet I know that type of behavior coming from me stems from my pain.
I act out because I'm in pain. I'm defensive. I feel threatened.

That's probably what's going on with other people too.
They've been through some things. Some people have hurt them.
They're having a rough time. Probably trying to ward off negative thoughts, just like me.

I have a hard time remembering and fully believing some things I've learned:
1. Everyone wants to avoid pain. 
2. Everyone is doing their best with what they've got.

Sometimes it's really hard for me to believe that second one especially. 
But hurting other people because of the junk I'm going through is really messed up.

One of my mentors from a distance is Mel Robbins. 
Today she posted a video challenging us to assume good intent from others for the next 24 hours.

I also listened to a Sadhguru video and he said that if you're 100% for people then they can't get you upset. Because you wish the best for them, I think. His video was more layered and complex.

If I want to have an impact, I have to accept people as they are. 
This one's hard for me, especially when I think of all the times I've been judged and not accepted. 
To be able to shed anger and love those people is a true accomplishment. 


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The person I've been going out with told me I have traits of BPD.
I had thought of it before, mostly in 2013. I brought it up to my therapist at the time, and he waved it off. Said the psychology field was thinking about doing away with personality disorders altogether because they're so difficult to accurately diagnose. Said that everyone deals with the same issues in life and so he didn't want to try to attribute it to any type of condition. Why he didn't recommend I get assessed by a different professional who does assessments is beyond me.
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