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I don't want your life

The only thing standing in my way right now is myself.
I just have to take more action and do it quicker.

I've been thinking about how to deal with my family.
It's not really a healthy environment for me to be around
and I dread holidays pretty much year-round.
I've talked to multiple therapists about it but the anxiety
still hasn't gone away. It wouldn't be great to stop
talking to them but I do think I'd feel a lot of freedom.
They want everyone around them to feel more stupid than them.
I guess I should just refuse to feel stupid or judged.
Even if they judge that doesn't mean it has to bother me.
They all act like they have some type of weird authority.
But they don't...
Unfortunately it's just up to me to deal with it, telling
them is just going to make them mad because of their egos.

My friends and I are working on a music video shoot.
I've got mixed feelings, because I really want it to happen
but I always act super weird when I make vide…

Sit tight

I just came home from my therapy session. She pretty much echoed what my 2013 therapist said when I brought up possible bpd. That regardless of a diagnosis, we'd still be working through my childhood and the roots of my intrusive feelings/anxiety.

I asked about DBT. She said that most of the people she knows who do DBT work with crisis patients who need serious, urgent help. That's not what I read when I was looking for psychologists who do DBT. So I'm not sure what to do about that - to keep considering it or not.

I do still believe I have some very serious issues that fly out of nowhere. Or that seem to fly out of nowhere. The random flashes of rage when I'm dating someone is one of the most obvious situations where that happens. I'm not sure what else to do other than keep researching, or just sit tight and avoid some stressful situations that trigger some of my worst and unwanted feelings.

I had a conference call yesterday with my mentor. He's a real go-getter and let's get stuff done type of guy. The topic of the session was discipline - how we can learn to accept it and get on with our goals. He asked us on the call what our biggest hiccup with discipline is...I pretty much said, I have depression and my mood/state can really mess up getting things done. His answer was great, he said that even though he's never dealt with mental health issues, he's realized that people who do have those issues have to go easy on themselves sometimes. Just allow themselves to an off day and be ok with that.

He actually interviewed his sister, who has had some pretty severe depression and still managed to become a very successful college professor. I found that interview insightful as well. She said that when she's feeling good she tries to get a lot done so that when depression hits or things go wrong, she didn't wait to the last minute to prepare.

She also said that when depression hits, her priorities change - she only does what she must push through and do, like teach a class - but maybe she won't go to the gym or cook a meal. She'll go easy on herself with the things she doesn't have to do.  

Here's that interview:


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The person I've been going out with told me I have traits of BPD.
I had thought of it before, mostly in 2013. I brought it up to my therapist at the time, and he waved it off. Said the psychology field was thinking about doing away with personality disorders altogether because they're so difficult to accurately diagnose. Said that everyone deals with the same issues in life and so he didn't want to try to attribute it to any type of condition. Why he didn't recommend I get assessed by a different professional who does assessments is beyond me.
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I can see now that multiple therapists have tried t…