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I don't want your life

The only thing standing in my way right now is myself.
I just have to take more action and do it quicker.

I've been thinking about how to deal with my family.
It's not really a healthy environment for me to be around
and I dread holidays pretty much year-round.
I've talked to multiple therapists about it but the anxiety
still hasn't gone away. It wouldn't be great to stop
talking to them but I do think I'd feel a lot of freedom.
They want everyone around them to feel more stupid than them.
I guess I should just refuse to feel stupid or judged.
Even if they judge that doesn't mean it has to bother me.
They all act like they have some type of weird authority.
But they don't...
Unfortunately it's just up to me to deal with it, telling
them is just going to make them mad because of their egos.

My friends and I are working on a music video shoot.
I've got mixed feelings, because I really want it to happen
but I always act super weird when I make vide…

Relationship status with myself = ?

This week has been rough. 

The person I've been going out with told me I have traits of BPD.

I had thought of it before, mostly in 2013. I brought it up to my therapist at the time, and he waved it off. Said the psychology field was thinking about doing away with personality disorders altogether because they're so difficult to accurately diagnose. Said that everyone deals with the same issues in life and so he didn't want to try to attribute it to any type of condition. Why he didn't recommend I get assessed by a different professional who does assessments is beyond me.

Hello! If I have BPD I'm not dealing with the same issues as everyone else! I get stressed out way easier, I'm triggered by certain things, I freak out, constantly defensive, I unintentionally manipulate situations when I feel threatened, I want to hurt myself, all the empty feelings, questioning my identity and sense of many things.

I can see now that multiple therapists have tried to help me reframe my issues as things everyone deals with and I just keep thinking they should've known there were more severe and serious issues going on.

I'm going to talk to my brand new therapist that I started with last Monday after 2 months off.

See if she can help me get to the proper professional to see if I have a diagnosis.

If I do have it, I pretty much feel like hunting down my old therapists and ripping their faces off.

Don't worry, I don't want to really talk to them haha. 

It explains a lot. I'm very sensitive and can spiral into an emotional tornado. Even if I'm able to keep it hidden from everyone else, it causes a lot of havoc and disruption in my life. I don't follow through on a lot of things or I do it later than planned. It's triggered by my close relationships either with someone I'm dating or my family - and I've been thinking for awhile now that other people in my family have BPD. I have pretty wild mood swings. When I'm upset I can be pretty mean. A lot of it is just triggered by people saying stuff that bugs me, so it's no wonder that I'm kind of antisocial and just want to be by myself. 

I don't think I should be in a romantic relationship anytime soon. It's clear that whatever's going on, I need more than just the talk therapy I've been doing.

For awhile earlier this year I thought I might have bipolar. One concern is that as I try to figure out what's going on, I may get misdiagnosed. I know that can be a nightmare.

If you're dealing with mood swings just know you're not alone and it doesn't make you crazy. I can be so calm and nice and sweet.

I've been trying to accept that I may have more severe issues than depression and anxiety. Those are bad enough :(

Right now I'm trying to stay away from stuff that I know trigger stress for me. I can get really stressed out.

There are a lot of undiagnosed people running around, which really sucks. Long-term treatment is going to cost a lot of money. I hope I can keep my job and get through this. That is kind of my goal right now. Oh yeah and starting a band. We'll see how it all goes. 

Take it easy.   


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