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I don't want your life

The only thing standing in my way right now is myself.
I just have to take more action and do it quicker.

I've been thinking about how to deal with my family.
It's not really a healthy environment for me to be around
and I dread holidays pretty much year-round.
I've talked to multiple therapists about it but the anxiety
still hasn't gone away. It wouldn't be great to stop
talking to them but I do think I'd feel a lot of freedom.
They want everyone around them to feel more stupid than them.
I guess I should just refuse to feel stupid or judged.
Even if they judge that doesn't mean it has to bother me.
They all act like they have some type of weird authority.
But they don't...
Unfortunately it's just up to me to deal with it, telling
them is just going to make them mad because of their egos.

My friends and I are working on a music video shoot.
I've got mixed feelings, because I really want it to happen
but I always act super weird when I make vide…

My inner Carrie Bradshaw & Alex Jones

I've been inspired by the strangest things.

I watched a little bit of Sex and the City. Carrie Bradshaw's enthusiasm for her romance/sex column is inspiring. Who doesn't want to be curled up in their bed or in a NYC coffee shop writing an article or post? That's how I feel when she's writing her column on the show.

As part of my marketing studies I've been learning about all types of brands, including some polarizing figures. Let's talk about Alex Jones. What a nutjob...but what's made him so effective? Why is he such a topic? I've subscribed to his Infowars newsletters for awhile. Today I decided to listen to his show. Despite not agreeing with much of anything he said, I can see how he revs up a base. He kept talking about how the "globalists" were battling his army, the real resistance. He uses classic psychological tricks to unite a common people against a single evil force. I guess he really believes that stuff.

All this led to contemplating my projects and goals, wondering how I could turn what I've got into my own little force. Listening to Alex Jones was strangely energizing - not towards his goals, but towards mine.  

I came home from work, determined to trek to my favorite breakfast/brunch/coffee shop and write. This city's having a weird week. The water supply is tainted and I can't have any of the amazing coffee here. Oh well, my breakfast dinner was still excellent.

This week I've focused on getting more sleep; I feel better. Sometimes I experience sleep and/or workplace anxiety at night, and luckily this week they haven't been too bad. I'm also detached from the person I was dating. She said last Tuesday that we should back off of a relationship, but she still wants one. At this point I don't consider us as being together at all, and life feels so much better. Much of the depression has lifted. I don't have the heavy, all-consuming feelings of worthlessness or the resentment towards her. I may be fully accepting that being single is what's best for me, possibly for a good long while.

I'm just not sure what to say to her. I think she's holding out hope. She texts me every day and schedules phone calls. I can't properly love anyone right now. I feel so empty much of the time. My soul feels dead. I can be upset so easily too. Just relaxing and maintaining a somewhat stable mood these last few days has been such a relief. I'm like this old cranky loner.

At work today I had to read a prompt in front of everyone. We do these stupid gatherings where we stand in a circle and there's a daily reading. I was so nervous, I started acting weird, and I rushed through the reading as quickly as I could before my whole body freaked out in front of everybody. My performance anxiety renders my neck incapable of moving properly. It's so weird.

It was a discouraging moment, because I've always wanted to be a performer. As each year passes I feel my chances to be good at it slipping away farther and farther as I get more and more anxiety. How am I going to perform music and be a public speaker when I can't even read a prepared paragraph in front of 15 people? I don't know. But as one of my mentors pointed out, success isn't linear, and successful people are the ones who don't give up when they hit a wall/learning experience.

I pretty much feel like a freak at work. The whole afternoon I just had this urge to write. I work in a non-creative field. I'm trying to follow my creative urges and listen to what fulfills my soul.

This is working for me. Growing up I always idealized being one of those cool adults, sitting in a cafĂ© in a city with my laptop, writing an article or a blog. I'm not rocking any stages or calling the shots for a million dollar company, but I'm here doing something I've always wanted to do. I'll keep going. (I'm not a cool adult, though.)  


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Last night I went out and saw this amazing local band.
I almost don't want them to get big because I want them all to myself.
But they're such a good band. I was so mesmerized by the singer, in awe and envy and admiration.
I was pretty lonely, and overall feeling crappy, but in the middle of their show (I had watched 2 acts play prior), I just got this high. It felt so good, it was kind of a release. Their show was that good and it brought me so much joy. I thought, that's why I love music. But highs wear off and I'm right back where I started.

I'm just lying in my bed loathing myself and not loving myself. I wrote a note in another journal that said "self love, when does it stick?" It's like it's a choice I have to make every day, all day, and I can't seem to make it.

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Relationship status with myself = ?

This week has been rough. 
The person I've been going out with told me I have traits of BPD.
I had thought of it before, mostly in 2013. I brought it up to my therapist at the time, and he waved it off. Said the psychology field was thinking about doing away with personality disorders altogether because they're so difficult to accurately diagnose. Said that everyone deals with the same issues in life and so he didn't want to try to attribute it to any type of condition. Why he didn't recommend I get assessed by a different professional who does assessments is beyond me.
Hello! If I have BPD I'm not dealing with the same issues as everyone else! I get stressed out way easier, I'm triggered by certain things, I freak out, constantly defensive, I unintentionally manipulate situations when I feel threatened, I want to hurt myself, all the empty feelings, questioning my identity and sense of many things.
I can see now that multiple therapists have tried t…