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I don't want your life

The only thing standing in my way right now is myself.
I just have to take more action and do it quicker.

I've been thinking about how to deal with my family.
It's not really a healthy environment for me to be around
and I dread holidays pretty much year-round.
I've talked to multiple therapists about it but the anxiety
still hasn't gone away. It wouldn't be great to stop
talking to them but I do think I'd feel a lot of freedom.
They want everyone around them to feel more stupid than them.
I guess I should just refuse to feel stupid or judged.
Even if they judge that doesn't mean it has to bother me.
They all act like they have some type of weird authority.
But they don't...
Unfortunately it's just up to me to deal with it, telling
them is just going to make them mad because of their egos.

My friends and I are working on a music video shoot.
I've got mixed feelings, because I really want it to happen
but I always act super weird when I make vide…

Love is to be shared

Today was a much better day.
I went out for a walk during my work break for the first time in at least a week.
I make a solid effort to get sunlight every day since it's great for your brain, but ironically I can be too depressed to go out sometimes.
Last night I talked on the phone with my special person and we made up.
So we're back on! Yay!! I hadn't been feeling it last week but I feel much closer now that we talked through it.
It's funny to feel the insecurity just about the conversation from last night.
I've thought back to some things I said and think oh no, did I say something there I shouldn't have? Was I implying something? The overthinking got both of us into the bad situation where we almost ended it. So I'm just trying to move on.
I know she thinks I'm a great person, and I really strive to be good, but I can't help but think of how I've mistreated others in the past. I feel like a fraud basically, like here she thinks I'm a person of character and if she only knew the times I really messed up. I've been trying to forgive myself and others for stuff from the past, but it's hard.

I listened to a new video by the philosopher/spiritual guide Sadhguru. He talked about unconditional love and why so many couples fall out of love. He said that love happens within YOU, but we're asking others to provide us with the feeling. He said we need to be like a self-starting car and not like one where another person has to stick the key in to unlock our love. We end up trying to extract happiness from the other person. In a relationship, we must want to share with the other person and not extract. So I need to share my love that can only come from within ME, and not try to extract happiness from the other person. I must approach with sweetness instead of expecting to receive it from the other person. https://youtu.be/wHzsmZ5t_K0

I'm getting the creative itch. I've been driving around listening to the new EP from the band that rocked my world the other night. There's been some jealousy and envy and I can feel my creative, competitive side sparking up. "There's no reason why you can't be up there performing too." I'm going to start watching performances from some of my favorite performers and just trust my brain to subconsciously soak up a lot from watching them. More than anything I admire these music acts that have sparked envy and inspiration; I'd love to befriend them, Instead of feeling sad about my failed pursuits today, I feel inspired. There is still time.

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I don't want your life

The only thing standing in my way right now is myself.
I just have to take more action and do it quicker.

I've been thinking about how to deal with my family.
It's not really a healthy environment for me to be around
and I dread holidays pretty much year-round.
I've talked to multiple therapists about it but the anxiety
still hasn't gone away. It wouldn't be great to stop
talking to them but I do think I'd feel a lot of freedom.
They want everyone around them to feel more stupid than them.
I guess I should just refuse to feel stupid or judged.
Even if they judge that doesn't mean it has to bother me.
They all act like they have some type of weird authority.
But they don't...
Unfortunately it's just up to me to deal with it, telling
them is just going to make them mad because of their egos.

My friends and I are working on a music video shoot.
I've got mixed feelings, because I really want it to happen
but I always act super weird when I make vide…

Sit tight

I just came home from my therapy session. She pretty much echoed what my 2013 therapist said when I brought up possible bpd. That regardless of a diagnosis, we'd still be working through my childhood and the roots of my intrusive feelings/anxiety.

I asked about DBT. She said that most of the people she knows who do DBT work with crisis patients who need serious, urgent help. That's not what I read when I was looking for psychologists who do DBT. So I'm not sure what to do about that - to keep considering it or not.

I do still believe I have some very serious issues that fly out of nowhere. Or that seem to fly out of nowhere. The random flashes of rage when I'm dating someone is one of the most obvious situations where that happens. I'm not sure what else to do other than keep researching, or just sit tight and avoid some stressful situations that trigger some of my worst and unwanted feelings.

I had a conference call yesterday with my mentor. He's a real go-get…