Skip to main content

I don't want your life

The only thing standing in my way right now is myself.
I just have to take more action and do it quicker.

I've been thinking about how to deal with my family.
It's not really a healthy environment for me to be around
and I dread holidays pretty much year-round.
I've talked to multiple therapists about it but the anxiety
still hasn't gone away. It wouldn't be great to stop
talking to them but I do think I'd feel a lot of freedom.
They want everyone around them to feel more stupid than them.
I guess I should just refuse to feel stupid or judged.
Even if they judge that doesn't mean it has to bother me.
They all act like they have some type of weird authority.
But they don't...
Unfortunately it's just up to me to deal with it, telling
them is just going to make them mad because of their egos.

My friends and I are working on a music video shoot.
I've got mixed feelings, because I really want it to happen
but I always act super weird when I make vide…

Love is to be shared

Today was a much better day.
I went out for a walk during my work break for the first time in at least a week.
I make a solid effort to get sunlight every day since it's great for your brain, but ironically I can be too depressed to go out sometimes.
Last night I talked on the phone with my special person and we made up.
So we're back on! Yay!! I hadn't been feeling it last week but I feel much closer now that we talked through it.
It's funny to feel the insecurity just about the conversation from last night.
I've thought back to some things I said and think oh no, did I say something there I shouldn't have? Was I implying something? The overthinking got both of us into the bad situation where we almost ended it. So I'm just trying to move on.
I know she thinks I'm a great person, and I really strive to be good, but I can't help but think of how I've mistreated others in the past. I feel like a fraud basically, like here she thinks I'm a person of character and if she only knew the times I really messed up. I've been trying to forgive myself and others for stuff from the past, but it's hard.

I listened to a new video by the philosopher/spiritual guide Sadhguru. He talked about unconditional love and why so many couples fall out of love. He said that love happens within YOU, but we're asking others to provide us with the feeling. He said we need to be like a self-starting car and not like one where another person has to stick the key in to unlock our love. We end up trying to extract happiness from the other person. In a relationship, we must want to share with the other person and not extract. So I need to share my love that can only come from within ME, and not try to extract happiness from the other person. I must approach with sweetness instead of expecting to receive it from the other person.

I'm getting the creative itch. I've been driving around listening to the new EP from the band that rocked my world the other night. There's been some jealousy and envy and I can feel my creative, competitive side sparking up. "There's no reason why you can't be up there performing too." I'm going to start watching performances from some of my favorite performers and just trust my brain to subconsciously soak up a lot from watching them. More than anything I admire these music acts that have sparked envy and inspiration; I'd love to befriend them, Instead of feeling sad about my failed pursuits today, I feel inspired. There is still time.


Popular posts from this blog

My inner Carrie Bradshaw & Alex Jones

I've been inspired by the strangest things.

I watched a little bit of Sex and the City. Carrie Bradshaw's enthusiasm for her romance/sex column is inspiring. Who doesn't want to be curled up in their bed or in a NYC coffee shop writing an article or post? That's how I feel when she's writing her column on the show.

As part of my marketing studies I've been learning about all types of brands, including some polarizing figures. Let's talk about Alex Jones. What a nutjob...but what's made him so effective? Why is he such a topic? I've subscribed to his Infowars newsletters for awhile. Today I decided to listen to his show. Despite not agreeing with much of anything he said, I can see how he revs up a base. He kept talking about how the "globalists" were battling his army, the real resistance. He uses classic psychological tricks to unite a common people against a single evil force. I guess he really believes that stuff.

All this led to contem…

Love and loss

I'm not sure what the weather's like today because I haven't really left my room.

Last night I went out and saw this amazing local band.
I almost don't want them to get big because I want them all to myself.
But they're such a good band. I was so mesmerized by the singer, in awe and envy and admiration.
I was pretty lonely, and overall feeling crappy, but in the middle of their show (I had watched 2 acts play prior), I just got this high. It felt so good, it was kind of a release. Their show was that good and it brought me so much joy. I thought, that's why I love music. But highs wear off and I'm right back where I started.

I'm just lying in my bed loathing myself and not loving myself. I wrote a note in another journal that said "self love, when does it stick?" It's like it's a choice I have to make every day, all day, and I can't seem to make it.

At the venue last night I was getting texts from somebody I thought I had broken up…

Relationship status with myself = ?

This week has been rough. 
The person I've been going out with told me I have traits of BPD.
I had thought of it before, mostly in 2013. I brought it up to my therapist at the time, and he waved it off. Said the psychology field was thinking about doing away with personality disorders altogether because they're so difficult to accurately diagnose. Said that everyone deals with the same issues in life and so he didn't want to try to attribute it to any type of condition. Why he didn't recommend I get assessed by a different professional who does assessments is beyond me.
Hello! If I have BPD I'm not dealing with the same issues as everyone else! I get stressed out way easier, I'm triggered by certain things, I freak out, constantly defensive, I unintentionally manipulate situations when I feel threatened, I want to hurt myself, all the empty feelings, questioning my identity and sense of many things.
I can see now that multiple therapists have tried t…