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I don't want your life

The only thing standing in my way right now is myself.
I just have to take more action and do it quicker.

I've been thinking about how to deal with my family.
It's not really a healthy environment for me to be around
and I dread holidays pretty much year-round.
I've talked to multiple therapists about it but the anxiety
still hasn't gone away. It wouldn't be great to stop
talking to them but I do think I'd feel a lot of freedom.
They want everyone around them to feel more stupid than them.
I guess I should just refuse to feel stupid or judged.
Even if they judge that doesn't mean it has to bother me.
They all act like they have some type of weird authority.
But they don't...
Unfortunately it's just up to me to deal with it, telling
them is just going to make them mad because of their egos.

My friends and I are working on a music video shoot.
I've got mixed feelings, because I really want it to happen
but I always act super weird when I make vide…

AA meetings anyone? I may be an androgynous asexual

It makes sense.
I finally took a quiz that basically told me I'm in the range of asexuality.

Maybe that's why I find:
- People's sexual habits so gross.
- The obsessed hypersexuality of our culture disturbing.
- The focus on sex in regards to equality much less relevant than equal pay & treatment in social/professional settings.
- Sex to be a personal source of anxiety and depression.
- Most people to be a total turnoff. 
- It uncomfortable to fully identify with any one mainstream sexual identity.

I tend to hang out with people who don't talk about sex much. 
It just seems impolite to me to do so.
There's a strange liberation from possibly identifying myself as asexual. 
Maybe it's not my depression talking!! 
Maybe that's why dating, relationships, and sex have all been borderline awful to outright awful for me.
It's like a cloud lifting when you say, I don't see the need for all this nonsense, and I don't even want it.
That doesn't mean I don't want romance, but now isn't the time. 
I fall into these weird depressions when I try to go out with someone or seek a relationship. I feel so terrible, why do that to myself?
Time to focus on building a life that's worthy of someone awesome joining in the future.
There's an asexuality spectrum, so some asexual people do still have sexual relationships. 
That may be me...one day.
Not today, YAY!!!

The funny thing is, I first heard about asexuality from a documentary that my then-partner and I watched on Netflix in 2013.

The girl I went out with most recently told me I look androgynous. 
I was like, yeah I guess I do. So do you.
We both were like, androgynous people are hot. 

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I don't want your life

The only thing standing in my way right now is myself.
I just have to take more action and do it quicker.

I've been thinking about how to deal with my family.
It's not really a healthy environment for me to be around
and I dread holidays pretty much year-round.
I've talked to multiple therapists about it but the anxiety
still hasn't gone away. It wouldn't be great to stop
talking to them but I do think I'd feel a lot of freedom.
They want everyone around them to feel more stupid than them.
I guess I should just refuse to feel stupid or judged.
Even if they judge that doesn't mean it has to bother me.
They all act like they have some type of weird authority.
But they don't...
Unfortunately it's just up to me to deal with it, telling
them is just going to make them mad because of their egos.

My friends and I are working on a music video shoot.
I've got mixed feelings, because I really want it to happen
but I always act super weird when I make vide…

Sit tight

I just came home from my therapy session. She pretty much echoed what my 2013 therapist said when I brought up possible bpd. That regardless of a diagnosis, we'd still be working through my childhood and the roots of my intrusive feelings/anxiety.

I asked about DBT. She said that most of the people she knows who do DBT work with crisis patients who need serious, urgent help. That's not what I read when I was looking for psychologists who do DBT. So I'm not sure what to do about that - to keep considering it or not.

I do still believe I have some very serious issues that fly out of nowhere. Or that seem to fly out of nowhere. The random flashes of rage when I'm dating someone is one of the most obvious situations where that happens. I'm not sure what else to do other than keep researching, or just sit tight and avoid some stressful situations that trigger some of my worst and unwanted feelings.

I had a conference call yesterday with my mentor. He's a real go-get…