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Showing posts from October, 2018

I don't want your life

The only thing standing in my way right now is myself.
I just have to take more action and do it quicker.

I've been thinking about how to deal with my family.
It's not really a healthy environment for me to be around
and I dread holidays pretty much year-round.
I've talked to multiple therapists about it but the anxiety
still hasn't gone away. It wouldn't be great to stop
talking to them but I do think I'd feel a lot of freedom.
They want everyone around them to feel more stupid than them.
I guess I should just refuse to feel stupid or judged.
Even if they judge that doesn't mean it has to bother me.
They all act like they have some type of weird authority.
But they don't...
Unfortunately it's just up to me to deal with it, telling
them is just going to make them mad because of their egos.

My friends and I are working on a music video shoot.
I've got mixed feelings, because I really want it to happen
but I always act super weird when I make vide…

This world has enough hate

It's really easy to get upset when I look at events going on in the world. Today the big news is that Trump wants to "abolish the 14th Amendment." I have no idea if he can even legally do that with an executive order.

I like to look at trending topics on Twitter. There's a lot of good stuff but just like all the other websites, people are so petty. On top of that, my mood is often antagonistic towards other people.  I really want this habit of mine to go away, because it doesn't serve me. I just snowball into this angrier and angrier state of mind. All the injustices against me or other people, my perceptions, how much people suck. I could let that destroy me.

Deep down I know a couple of things...I can choose to love everyone, no matter how hard it is. The other thing is that I'd rather love than hate. The hatred I feel for other people becomes consuming and it's so negative. It's funny how personally I can take it when other people are mad and act …

We could start a religion & get rich :)

Grant Cardone wrote a book called The 10X Rule. I read it this week & found it inspiring. He says to make my goals 10 times bigger than what I thought I could achieve.  Otherwise I'm cheating myself and society. There was a ton of great info in it, although he advises to do the opposite of what I often feel I should do because of my fluctuating moods. He says don't take it easy. Just go, go, go. Don't think. I know I need to do less thinking & more doing, that's for sure. Googling for more info on Grant Cardone led me to the discovery that he's a Scientologist. Which of course piqued my interest. I read up today on Scientology. What a weird thing man. Lots of alarm bells go off, but the principles seem to have really helped Grant Cardone. He didn't mention it at all in The 10X Rule, which I take as a good sign.  Pretty interesting.
In my research on Scientology, the most insightful perspective I found was from an ex member who had been in the church fo…

AA meetings anyone? I may be an androgynous asexual

It makes sense.
I finally took a quiz that basically told me I'm in the range of asexuality.

Maybe that's why I find:
- People's sexual habits so gross.
- The obsessed hypersexuality of our culture disturbing.
- The focus on sex in regards to equality much less relevant than equal pay & treatment in social/professional settings.
- Sex to be a personal source of anxiety and depression.
- Most people to be a total turnoff. 
- It uncomfortable to fully identify with any one mainstream sexual identity.

I tend to hang out with people who don't talk about sex much. 
It just seems impolite to me to do so.
There's a strange liberation from possibly identifying myself as asexual. 
Maybe it's not my depression talking!! 
Maybe that's why dating, relationships, and sex have all been borderline awful to outright awful for me.
It's like a cloud lifting when you say, I don't see the need for all this nonsense, and I don't even want it.
That doesn't mean I don't …

My inner Carrie Bradshaw & Alex Jones

I've been inspired by the strangest things.

I watched a little bit of Sex and the City. Carrie Bradshaw's enthusiasm for her romance/sex column is inspiring. Who doesn't want to be curled up in their bed or in a NYC coffee shop writing an article or post? That's how I feel when she's writing her column on the show.

As part of my marketing studies I've been learning about all types of brands, including some polarizing figures. Let's talk about Alex Jones. What a nutjob...but what's made him so effective? Why is he such a topic? I've subscribed to his Infowars newsletters for awhile. Today I decided to listen to his show. Despite not agreeing with much of anything he said, I can see how he revs up a base. He kept talking about how the "globalists" were battling his army, the real resistance. He uses classic psychological tricks to unite a common people against a single evil force. I guess he really believes that stuff.

All this led to contem…

Sit tight

I just came home from my therapy session. She pretty much echoed what my 2013 therapist said when I brought up possible bpd. That regardless of a diagnosis, we'd still be working through my childhood and the roots of my intrusive feelings/anxiety.

I asked about DBT. She said that most of the people she knows who do DBT work with crisis patients who need serious, urgent help. That's not what I read when I was looking for psychologists who do DBT. So I'm not sure what to do about that - to keep considering it or not.

I do still believe I have some very serious issues that fly out of nowhere. Or that seem to fly out of nowhere. The random flashes of rage when I'm dating someone is one of the most obvious situations where that happens. I'm not sure what else to do other than keep researching, or just sit tight and avoid some stressful situations that trigger some of my worst and unwanted feelings.

I had a conference call yesterday with my mentor. He's a real go-get…

Relationship status with myself = ?

This week has been rough. 
The person I've been going out with told me I have traits of BPD.
I had thought of it before, mostly in 2013. I brought it up to my therapist at the time, and he waved it off. Said the psychology field was thinking about doing away with personality disorders altogether because they're so difficult to accurately diagnose. Said that everyone deals with the same issues in life and so he didn't want to try to attribute it to any type of condition. Why he didn't recommend I get assessed by a different professional who does assessments is beyond me.
Hello! If I have BPD I'm not dealing with the same issues as everyone else! I get stressed out way easier, I'm triggered by certain things, I freak out, constantly defensive, I unintentionally manipulate situations when I feel threatened, I want to hurt myself, all the empty feelings, questioning my identity and sense of many things.
I can see now that multiple therapists have tried t…

Let's band together

I posted a Craigslist ad to start a 3-piece band.
Not that I'm fulfilling my current obligations that well...
Rehearsing when you're exhausted isn't fun.
But sitting at home wishing to be performing isn't fun either.
I don't want to do my day job for my whole life.
I came to this city to be an artist.
I guess I feel bad for goofing off.
I'm supposed to be studying for a big test for my serious career that I've decided I'm not going to have anymore.
I hope some cool people want to be in my band.
I've got way more questions than answers, but I think that's a good thing.

Marginal improvements

My online mentors all have some version of this advice: improve a little bit, each day.
Have you heard the idea about improving by just 1% every day?
I'm not sure how to measure and track progress for it, but I had an idea last week.
Just shoot for 10 minutes a day on each of the things I know I need to do every day.
So far today I've spent way more than 10 minutes on some of the things. 
Just as long as I can get 10 minutes in on everything. 
The hardest part for me is the mindset.  The hope is that I'll spend way more than 10 minutes because I need to put in quality time on my goals. But I can't spend 1-2 hours on everything every day. 10 minutes is still forward progress - I try to remind myself that "slow motion is better than no motion."
One of my mentors always says: we're not trying to build a skyscraper over night.  Just build brick by brick and eventually there'll be a skyscraper.  It's a Japanese improvement concept called kaizen - impr…

Why So Serious

I had an epiphany.

One that I've had before.

Maybe it's kicked in harder this week.

It is this...I'm going to ruin everything if I don't chill the eff out.

All the stupid things I get so worked up about.

I get worked up about the fact that I'm alive and awake.

So it's like, come on buddy let's just smile a little more or something.

Somebody got annoyed with me because I was stuck on some little details.

And I said to myself: self. You're going to ruin this if you keep doing this.

Why take people and little moments so seriously? They're not going to matter soon, if they even matter now. People and situations are incredibly ridiculous and I've realized this for a long time. It's part of the reason why I make fun of people.

Now go have fun and do you, bro.

No doubt I'll be back to my wicked ways soon, fighting all the conflict in my brain. But I gotta try!

I found this article really helpful on the art of not taking life so seriously: http…

Love is to be shared

Today was a much better day.
I went out for a walk during my work break for the first time in at least a week.
I make a solid effort to get sunlight every day since it's great for your brain, but ironically I can be too depressed to go out sometimes.
Last night I talked on the phone with my special person and we made up.
So we're back on! Yay!! I hadn't been feeling it last week but I feel much closer now that we talked through it.
It's funny to feel the insecurity just about the conversation from last night.
I've thought back to some things I said and think oh no, did I say something there I shouldn't have? Was I implying something? The overthinking got both of us into the bad situation where we almost ended it. So I'm just trying to move on.
I know she thinks I'm a great person, and I really strive to be good, but I can't help but think of how I've mistreated others in the past. I feel like a fraud basically, like here she thinks I'm a per…