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I don't want your life

The only thing standing in my way right now is myself.
I just have to take more action and do it quicker.

I've been thinking about how to deal with my family.
It's not really a healthy environment for me to be around
and I dread holidays pretty much year-round.
I've talked to multiple therapists about it but the anxiety
still hasn't gone away. It wouldn't be great to stop
talking to them but I do think I'd feel a lot of freedom.
They want everyone around them to feel more stupid than them.
I guess I should just refuse to feel stupid or judged.
Even if they judge that doesn't mean it has to bother me.
They all act like they have some type of weird authority.
But they don't...
Unfortunately it's just up to me to deal with it, telling
them is just going to make them mad because of their egos.

My friends and I are working on a music video shoot.
I've got mixed feelings, because I really want it to happen
but I always act super weird when I make vide…

A dreary day, aren't they all though?

It's been raining on and off for almost the past month now. 
I don't know at what point it's reasonable to stop blaming that on Hurricane Flo/the tropical depressions. I think all of that is done now.

I wanted to schedule a photo shoot; I've used the weather as a decent excuse - if we want any shots outside, it needs to be nice outside dang it. I finally e-mailed a photographer contact this morning. No more excuses.

I was at an amazing show last night, so consumed with myself. Thinking about how I didn't want to be alive. I realized how all I could think about was myself. How lonely and miserable I feel. The band was so good that they helped me snap out of it from time to time. I kept thinking how that was supposed to be me, and that I'd never figure out how to be on stage and be proficient. Just feeling so sorry for myself. It's one of those moments you're supposed to be fully present and enjoying but you're just stuck in misery.

Luckily I'm able to internalize and really feel I have a lot of choices in the matter. The next decades don't have to be miserable - I do have a say in it. I don't have to stay on the sidelines forever, always watching other people on stage - I do have a say in that. I hear my mentors telling me, take action. Just start doing it. Do something.

A week ago I basically broke up with someone I'd been talking to for a month. I couldn't listen to a single song for the past week, not until yesterday. I play music every day, so I'm feeling pretty bad when I can't play a single song. I watched the first season of Suits in my bed, in the dark. I'm starting to get why people just throw themselves in TV shows, movies, and so many other things that command their attention. Life has a lot of sucky parts to it.

Suits helped me in strange ways: a lot of it is about human behavior, which I'm realizing is a good reason to watch shows - to study human behavior. Lots of people backstabbing each other, playing games, bonding, etc in Suits. I'm painfully aware of my vulnerabilities and the manipulative nature of so many people. This last week felt like just the beginning of the discovery of myself and why I am the way I am. 

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I don't want your life

The only thing standing in my way right now is myself.
I just have to take more action and do it quicker.

I've been thinking about how to deal with my family.
It's not really a healthy environment for me to be around
and I dread holidays pretty much year-round.
I've talked to multiple therapists about it but the anxiety
still hasn't gone away. It wouldn't be great to stop
talking to them but I do think I'd feel a lot of freedom.
They want everyone around them to feel more stupid than them.
I guess I should just refuse to feel stupid or judged.
Even if they judge that doesn't mean it has to bother me.
They all act like they have some type of weird authority.
But they don't...
Unfortunately it's just up to me to deal with it, telling
them is just going to make them mad because of their egos.

My friends and I are working on a music video shoot.
I've got mixed feelings, because I really want it to happen
but I always act super weird when I make vide…

Sit tight

I just came home from my therapy session. She pretty much echoed what my 2013 therapist said when I brought up possible bpd. That regardless of a diagnosis, we'd still be working through my childhood and the roots of my intrusive feelings/anxiety.

I asked about DBT. She said that most of the people she knows who do DBT work with crisis patients who need serious, urgent help. That's not what I read when I was looking for psychologists who do DBT. So I'm not sure what to do about that - to keep considering it or not.

I do still believe I have some very serious issues that fly out of nowhere. Or that seem to fly out of nowhere. The random flashes of rage when I'm dating someone is one of the most obvious situations where that happens. I'm not sure what else to do other than keep researching, or just sit tight and avoid some stressful situations that trigger some of my worst and unwanted feelings.

I had a conference call yesterday with my mentor. He's a real go-get…