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Love is to be shared

Today was a much better day.
I went out for a walk during my work break for the first time in at least a week.
I make a solid effort to get sunlight every day since it's great for your brain, but ironically I can be too depressed to go out sometimes.
Last night I talked on the phone with my special person and we made up.
So we're back on! Yay!! I hadn't been feeling it last week but I feel much closer now that we talked through it.
It's funny to feel the insecurity just about the conversation from last night.
I've thought back to some things I said and think oh no, did I say something there I shouldn't have? Was I implying something? The overthinking got both of us into the bad situation where we almost ended it. So I'm just trying to move on.
I know she thinks I'm a great person, and I really strive to be good, but I can't help but think of how I've mistreated others in the past. I feel like a fraud basically, like here she thinks I'm a person of character and if she only knew the times I really messed up. I've been trying to forgive myself and others for stuff from the past, but it's hard.

I listened to a new video by the philosopher/spiritual guide Sadhguru. He talked about unconditional love and why so many couples fall out of love. He said that love happens within YOU, but we're asking others to provide us with the feeling. He said we need to be like a self-starting car and not like one where another person has to stick the key in to unlock our love. We end up trying to extract happiness from the other person. In a relationship, we must want to share with the other person and not extract. So I need to share my love that can only come from within ME, and not try to extract happiness from the other person. I must approach with sweetness instead of expecting to receive it from the other person.

I'm getting the creative itch. I've been driving around listening to the new EP from the band that rocked my world the other night. There's been some jealousy and envy and I can feel my creative, competitive side sparking up. "There's no reason why you can't be up there performing too." I'm going to start watching performances from some of my favorite performers and just trust my brain to subconsciously soak up a lot from watching them. More than anything I admire these music acts that have sparked envy and inspiration; I'd love to befriend them, Instead of feeling sad about my failed pursuits today, I feel inspired. There is still time.


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Love and loss

I'm not sure what the weather's like today because I haven't really left my room.

Last night I went out and saw this amazing local band.
I almost don't want them to get big because I want them all to myself.
But they're such a good band. I was so mesmerized by the singer, in awe and envy and admiration.
I was pretty lonely, and overall feeling crappy, but in the middle of their show (I had watched 2 acts play prior), I just got this high. It felt so good, it was kind of a release. Their show was that good and it brought me so much joy. I thought, that's why I love music. But highs wear off and I'm right back where I started.

I'm just lying in my bed loathing myself and not loving myself. I wrote a note in another journal that said "self love, when does it stick?" It's like it's a choice I have to make every day, all day, and I can't seem to make it.

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Why So Serious

I had an epiphany.

One that I've had before.

Maybe it's kicked in harder this week.

It is this...I'm going to ruin everything if I don't chill the eff out.

All the stupid things I get so worked up about.

I get worked up about the fact that I'm alive and awake.

So it's like, come on buddy let's just smile a little more or something.

Somebody got annoyed with me because I was stuck on some little details.

And I said to myself: self. You're going to ruin this if you keep doing this.

Why take people and little moments so seriously? They're not going to matter soon, if they even matter now. People and situations are incredibly ridiculous and I've realized this for a long time. It's part of the reason why I make fun of people.

Now go have fun and do you, bro.

No doubt I'll be back to my wicked ways soon, fighting all the conflict in my brain. But I gotta try!

I found this article really helpful on the art of not taking life so seriously: http…