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Love and loss

I'm not sure what the weather's like today because I haven't really left my room.

Last night I went out and saw this amazing local band.
I almost don't want them to get big because I want them all to myself.
But they're such a good band. I was so mesmerized by the singer, in awe and envy and admiration.
I was pretty lonely, and overall feeling crappy, but in the middle of their show (I had watched 2 acts play prior), I just got this high. It felt so good, it was kind of a release. Their show was that good and it brought me so much joy. I thought, that's why I love music. But highs wear off and I'm right back where I started.

I'm just lying in my bed loathing myself and not loving myself. I wrote a note in another journal that said "self love, when does it stick?" It's like it's a choice I have to make every day, all day, and I can't seem to make it.

At the venue last night I was getting texts from somebody I thought I had broken up with, she said she missed me. I was just like, it seems like I'm supposed to move on. My wall is up so thick because of all the stuff that happened between us 1-2 weeks ago. I texted her there were a lot of things that bothered me and that I wasn't going to be manipulated. She doesn't understand, and I guess she thinks I'm manipulative now. I sent a bunch of voice memos this morning explaining the passive aggressive behavior I've seen in her...I don't want to hurt her anymore. I was often nice to her but I'm also full of resentment, sadness, fear, anger, rejection.

Now I'm just feeling the feelings of being an asshole. I don't know if we're meant for each other but I kind of wish we could just hold each other and make it alright, even if just for the moment.

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