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A dreary day, aren't they all though?

It's been raining on and off for almost the past month now. 
I don't know at what point it's reasonable to stop blaming that on Hurricane Flo/the tropical depressions. I think all of that is done now.

I wanted to schedule a photo shoot; I've used the weather as a decent excuse - if we want any shots outside, it needs to be nice outside dang it. I finally e-mailed a photographer contact this morning. No more excuses.

I was at an amazing show last night, so consumed with myself. Thinking about how I didn't want to be alive. I realized how all I could think about was myself. How lonely and miserable I feel. The band was so good that they helped me snap out of it from time to time. I kept thinking how that was supposed to be me, and that I'd never figure out how to be on stage and be proficient. Just feeling so sorry for myself. It's one of those moments you're supposed to be fully present and enjoying but you're just stuck in misery.

Luckily I'm able to internalize and really feel I have a lot of choices in the matter. The next decades don't have to be miserable - I do have a say in it. I don't have to stay on the sidelines forever, always watching other people on stage - I do have a say in that. I hear my mentors telling me, take action. Just start doing it. Do something.

A week ago I basically broke up with someone I'd been talking to for a month. I couldn't listen to a single song for the past week, not until yesterday. I play music every day, so I'm feeling pretty bad when I can't play a single song. I watched the first season of Suits in my bed, in the dark. I'm starting to get why people just throw themselves in TV shows, movies, and so many other things that command their attention. Life has a lot of sucky parts to it.

Suits helped me in strange ways: a lot of it is about human behavior, which I'm realizing is a good reason to watch shows - to study human behavior. Lots of people backstabbing each other, playing games, bonding, etc in Suits. I'm painfully aware of my vulnerabilities and the manipulative nature of so many people. This last week felt like just the beginning of the discovery of myself and why I am the way I am. 

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Love and loss

I'm not sure what the weather's like today because I haven't really left my room.

Last night I went out and saw this amazing local band.
I almost don't want them to get big because I want them all to myself.
But they're such a good band. I was so mesmerized by the singer, in awe and envy and admiration.
I was pretty lonely, and overall feeling crappy, but in the middle of their show (I had watched 2 acts play prior), I just got this high. It felt so good, it was kind of a release. Their show was that good and it brought me so much joy. I thought, that's why I love music. But highs wear off and I'm right back where I started.

I'm just lying in my bed loathing myself and not loving myself. I wrote a note in another journal that said "self love, when does it stick?" It's like it's a choice I have to make every day, all day, and I can't seem to make it.

At the venue last night I was getting texts from somebody I thought I had broken up…

Why So Serious

I had an epiphany.

One that I've had before.

Maybe it's kicked in harder this week.

It is this...I'm going to ruin everything if I don't chill the eff out.

All the stupid things I get so worked up about.

I get worked up about the fact that I'm alive and awake.

So it's like, come on buddy let's just smile a little more or something.

Somebody got annoyed with me because I was stuck on some little details.

And I said to myself: self. You're going to ruin this if you keep doing this.

Why take people and little moments so seriously? They're not going to matter soon, if they even matter now. People and situations are incredibly ridiculous and I've realized this for a long time. It's part of the reason why I make fun of people.

Now go have fun and do you, bro.

No doubt I'll be back to my wicked ways soon, fighting all the conflict in my brain. But I gotta try!

I found this article really helpful on the art of not taking life so seriously: http…