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Showing posts from September, 2018

Love and loss

I'm not sure what the weather's like today because I haven't really left my room.

Last night I went out and saw this amazing local band.
I almost don't want them to get big because I want them all to myself.
But they're such a good band. I was so mesmerized by the singer, in awe and envy and admiration.
I was pretty lonely, and overall feeling crappy, but in the middle of their show (I had watched 2 acts play prior), I just got this high. It felt so good, it was kind of a release. Their show was that good and it brought me so much joy. I thought, that's why I love music. But highs wear off and I'm right back where I started.

I'm just lying in my bed loathing myself and not loving myself. I wrote a note in another journal that said "self love, when does it stick?" It's like it's a choice I have to make every day, all day, and I can't seem to make it.

At the venue last night I was getting texts from somebody I thought I had broken up…

A dreary day, aren't they all though?

It's been raining on and off for almost the past month now.  I don't know at what point it's reasonable to stop blaming that on Hurricane Flo/the tropical depressions. I think all of that is done now.

I wanted to schedule a photo shoot; I've used the weather as a decent excuse - if we want any shots outside, it needs to be nice outside dang it. I finally e-mailed a photographer contact this morning. No more excuses.

I was at an amazing show last night, so consumed with myself. Thinking about how I didn't want to be alive. I realized how all I could think about was myself. How lonely and miserable I feel. The band was so good that they helped me snap out of it from time to time. I kept thinking how that was supposed to be me, and that I'd never figure out how to be on stage and be proficient. Just feeling so sorry for myself. It's one of those moments you're supposed to be fully present and enjoying but you're just stuck in misery.

Luckily I'm …